In college I was told by a counselor I was seeing that I had type II bipolar disorder. That was over 5 years ago. I’m 27 now and trying to sort heads and tails over what IS apart of this mental illness I might possibly have and what can just be chalked up to general personality flaws. For those who are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder, type II is the less severe form of the two. It can be summed up by 2 words: MOOD. SWINGS. I can be extremely elated and happy and productive one day, and irritated, annoyed, depressed and down the next day. Sometimes all within the same day. So I was given another sub-title of my problems called cyclothymic disorder. Basically rapid-cycling highs and lows. I’ve not always been able to understand why I get so ruffled, especially knowing that if I’d experienced the same exact situation on a different day, I would have a completely different reaction.
This past year, however, I started to wonder if my diagnosis was wrong and my symptoms could be explained by reactions from extreme stress and immaturity. I’ve been handling myself a lot better these days. And honestly, you would only know something was “off” if you were my closest friends and family. I clearly choose who to dump on and who not to. I’ve been trying to control some of the bipolar mood swings in attempt to ease the strain between people around me. After a hiccup in February, I think I’ve been pretty successful…
That is…. until today…
Now. I’ve not said anything to anyone, nor lashed out, but today I thought some pretty intense things. And these seem to be centered around people.
“I’m tired of everyone around me”
“I want to cut off all my current friendships and start over with new people, or better yet, no one at all….”
“I wish some people would stop talking to me.”
“I get so sick and tired of listening to this person’s bullshit.”
“I should just delete this person’s number and ignore all their texts and let them figure out I don’t want to be bothered.”
“These people are stupid.”
“I hate people.”
“Shut up everyone.”
“I wish people would leave me alone.”
(…and this is where people read this and come to me and say “Oh no! Were you talking about me?” and I have to go back and clean up what I’ve said and go “Not at all!” and feel guilty for making such an all-inclusive statement when the reality is I’m only thinking of 2 people..)
I started to think about how annoyed I was becoming. I was/am having a great day/evening and I’m excited for a new day tomorrow…. but still there lurks this cloud of negativity, this demon that whispers in my ear “why don’t you tell them ALL to kiss your ass?”
After posting some passive aggressive facebook statuses (like all immature adults do… yeah… I called myself immature…), I thought I should write and try to process the issues behind some of these statements.
It goes without saying that I need space. I dislike the constant contact. It forces me to care when quite frankly,
sometimes most times I don’t. It pushes me to respond when I have nothing to say or worse, nothing positive to say. The people that ask to hang out, the ones who check in to see what I’m up to, the friends that ask me for favors. Basically. I’m just an asshole. I’m THAT asshole that doesn’t respond to your messages. I read them. Despite what I say, I’m not that busy to not answer back right away. I see text messages and instantly I think “Why do I even own a phone? I don’t want to answer this.” The calls, the house visits, the facebook messages, the texts, the snapchats, the instagram tags, I simply get tired of being contacted. Social media wears down my social-ness for the day before I’ve even interacted with another human. By the time I’ve seen that 7 people “like” my status and 2 people have private messaged me, and 1 person has tagged me in a mass religious-topic facebook rant and 9 people have commented on my status and 6 people have opposing views of what I said and want to have a discussion with me about it knowing damn well when we’ve actually seen each other we haven’t a single thing to say in person, and 4 people have tagged me in a useless meme to get my attention, and 2 people have sub-tweeted me and 4 missed calls from mom and 43 daily emails from XYZ websites and online subscriptions I forgot to uncheck the “please email me with useless boring shit that I’ll always send straight to the trash” box, 2 unread pointless “lol” and “haha” texts from a friend……
I’m through. I now want to ignore everyone who legitimately wants to talk to me regardless of if they’ve “done anything”. And that’s when this ugly, “I HATE you all… ” attitude comes in.
I don’t hate people. But I hate the attention all these social media sites have eaten up. When all you read about is people and their problems, people and their victories, people and their pets, people and their food, people and their significant others, people and their weddings, people and their divorces, people and their new kids, people and their old kids, people and their new house, people and their money, people and their lives, people and their cars, people and their jobs, people and their bad decisions, people and their interests, people and their dislikes, people and their politics, people and their ideas, people and their opinions, people and their families, people and their religion, people people people people people….
It’s no wonder at the end of the day I’m tired of people. I read about people before I meet and see people. This has got to stop.
For the sake of my sanity and mood and attention span, I’m removing the facebook app from my phone. I don’t want to be checking and experiencing people and having my fill of them before it’s time to deal with them in the actual, physical world. Social media is ruining my social life. I don’t need media. I need to go back to having the chance to miss people and seek them out when I’m truly ready to hear about all the things I would have read on social media.